Mamaw hates Nicole Kidman
by WillowVilya
Summary: Title really is irrelevant to the story. Based upon the act of Christian bringing to life the story he promised to tell. PG 13 for ridiculous-ness, and for sailor language, and for meatloaf lyrics.Complete. By WillowVilya and Kaima


Mamaw Hates Nicole Kidman 

By Kayla Young and Katie Romans

"You're free to leave me, just don't deceive me…"

The words echoed hollowly in the empty hall. "Kind of depressing," Jano said thoughtfully.

"Well it's not supposed to be all flowers and bunnies," Alana snapped, ever the bitchy one.

"Still, this part should be more uplifting."

"I'll uplift _you, _humble dumble."

"Stop calling me that!"

"We're not going to get anything done," moaned a flute player, Rosie Secrets.

Both Alana and Jano looked at each other, anger sparkling in the air. Finally Alana turned away in disgust. "Right. We'll skip this part for now. Let's go to the death scene."

A piano started up, and Jano walked over to her double bass. "Right here our male lead will be singing, so soon as we get one cast…" she said over the music.

I just died in your arms tonight 

_It must've been something you said,_

_I just died in your arms tonight_

_Oh, I just died in your arms tonight,_

_It must've been some kind of kiss_

_I should've walked away_

_I should've walked away_

Alana conducted the band, a position she had acquired directly after the closing of the Moulin Rouge. Zidler had hired her, as well as a brand new band, to practice and hopefully stir more acting talent so as to create a new show for its grand reopening. He had spent every last penny from the funds "Spectacular, Spectacular" had generated to hire them, making it a very risky investment. Alana was determined to make it worth it.

Zidler came in at the end of the song. "It's wonderful, but where's the play that will accompany it?"

"The play will be called Moulin Rouge," Alana said quietly.

"A bit redundant, don't you think, poppit?"

"It will tell the story of Satine and Christian," she continued.

"And where did you get this play?"

"From me." Christian spoke from the back of the theater. "I just finished writing it. I thought you wouldn't mind."

Zidler looked amazed. "No, not at all!" He realized the possibilities; this could be as big as the original play, and strikingly similar. Zidler was pleased. "Shall we start casting, then?" He added, "And perhaps even hire a real conductor?"

"Excuse me, she IS a real conductor!" Jano said hitting a loud G string.

"Silly girl." He scolded, "She, like you, is but a woman in man's clothing." Now that the play had hope, Zidler found that he wanted to weed out unprofessionals. "I'm sure we can make you into dancers, would that please you?"

Explicatives soon followed. Christian roared over the noise that was drilling into his skull.

"IT IS TAKEN CARE OF!" The bickerers fell silent. "I have sent for my brother to control the band, until then, the current conductor and band may stay."

"But Christian…" Zidler pleaded. But he would hear no more for today.

"I'll take my leave now." Christian walked out.

Zidler looked around, almost bewildered. He then left the hall to be with his 'dancers'. The band erupted in chatter.

"A DANCER!" Roared Jano. Her cap slipping, letter her hair fall askew. "Mother fuck…" People looked about as she groped for her hat.

"What's that?"

"Um…the hat?"

"No, 'mother fuck'."

"I dunno, it felt appropriate."

"Rolls off the tongue nicely."

"One of those sentence enhancers no doubt."

Alana was having a bitter rant of her own.

"Male pigdogs! How dare they assume that I am less than a male! What do I have to do? Grow a schlong?" Jano tried to help.

"Try saying "mother fuck" it helps."

"I am no dancer!" Alana said in defiance. "I am…a musician. I control this band with the iron grip of death, I need no help!"

Jano was quiet. "Are you sure you'd turn down Christian's brother? If he looks anything like the man himself…"

"…good point." Alana conceded. "He can help."

"That Christian's a fox," Rosie Secrets spoke up.

"Pipe down, you," Jano said dismissively. "The real question is why Zidler is questioning our credentials. He's always believed in upholding the Bohemian ideals, and has had no problem in hiring those who have had less experience, I mean, just look at Christian's unusual circumstance. 'Spectacular, Spectacular' was his first play – and look at the success!"

"I don't know," Alana said thoughtfully. "This will require further investigation."

"Probably." Jano grinned, "I did just completely pull that last statement out of my voluptuous ass."

"Mother fuck." Alana sighed, "It does help, doesn't it."

"Would I lie?"

"You just did! A moment ago!"

"True…"

The mood was much darker in Christian's whereabouts. Alone with his thoughts, a more dangerous place than Rosie Secrets' under shorts. His thoughts dwelled upon Satine, and how bringing this story to life once again would almost be too much to bear. A bottle of absinthe found its way into his hands as a familiar face swam into view. A similar accent to his own began to speak.

"You look as if the world has dumped a load on your face, little one."

"That it has," Christian said in a choked voice. "I didn't think you'd come."

"Well, none of our family wanted me to," he admitted. "But I could not bear the thought of you having all these lovely underworld beauties to yourself."

"Good luck with 'underworld beauties,'" Christian said, attempting a smile. "You'll be assisting the band."

"Diamonds in the rough, my brother, diamonds in the rough."

Christian smiled. "It is good to have you here, Ray," he said.

"Any time," he shrugged. "How are things?"

Christian sighed and leaned back against his bedpost. "Sit down, and I will tell you the story of the Moulin Rouge."

Alana was in the elephant, looking for ideas for set pieces. She was still wondering why Zidler had shown resistance to keeping the band, but only mildly. Really, she was thinking about Christian, and how there was no way he would be able to see this play without having a complete mental breakdown.

A plan began slowly forming in her head…

"Christian will play himself," she said softly. "And it'll be part of the healing process…considering it doesn't just make things worse…"

She smiled sweetly. "And to help him move on…Jano will play Satine."

Still smiling slightly to herself, she left the elephant and began plotting more details of her plan.

The double bassist wandered around for Alana. Where was she, whenever Jano wanted to talk Alana had always sauntered off. Plotting and concocting…she found herself muttering at the foot of the elephant. She climbed her way up out of suspicion.

"I should have known, Alana." Alana had a particular grin that only increased the suspicion. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing whatsoever. Why don't you have a bath? You look dreadful." Jano, out of curiosity looked her self once over in the mirror, a dirty blue button up underneath black slacks and suspenders, with the ever present caddie cap holding back dirty dark hair. Jano shrugged.

"What's the point? You look just the same."

"I do not, I dress like I have some sort of a vagina. And bath like it." Alana was wearing a blue can-can dancer dress, with her short brown hair pulled back.

"You dress like a whore."

"Well we are at the Moulin Rouge. Besides, all women dress like this these days."

"Sure." Jano wasn't about to play along. "What are you up to?"

"Um…"Alana muttered something.

"WHAT?" birds fluttered off the roof of the decrepit elephant.

Ray was left awestruck by what he had just heard. As his brother buried his ache in drink, he could not think of words to properly comfort Christian. "I'm sorry," and he was stung by the inadequacy of how it sounded.

Christian shrugged. "It wasn't your fault." He seemed very emotionless, as if he were incapable of love.

"I gave her all of my heart and do not believe I will able to reclaim it," Christian said tonelessly. "I cannot fall in love."

"But a life without love," Ray said, "That's terrible! Love…love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

"And I need it now, from my Satine," Christian said. "And she is gone, so I have no hope left."

The band left to its own devices began to loiter about.

"Shouldn't we break into song randomly?" Asked one random band member to another.

"Yeah, I think we are off schedule without our conductor."

"I bet we could think of something to sing." Suggested yet another member. Soon enough they were all participating in a splendid rendition of 'Baby Got Back' in E minor.

"Alana…have you lost your mind?"

"Possibly…but it could work."

"And maybe this elephant will come alive and shit us out like a bushel of apples or whatever elephants eat!"

"Why are you acting so hysterical about my idea?"

"Because I am a butch double-bassist! Its my duty!" Alana was apparently oblivious to this fact.

Rosie had snuck into the dancer's quarters. Zidler was sniffing around Rosie's 'secrets', not noticing that she was a he.

And when the realization hit, Zidler was too far gone to care.

"You got another thing coming."

"Now Jano, this is how it's gonna be. You both need it."

"No, we don't!" she screamed, half-hysterical.

"You could be heroes, just for one day."

"Shut up."

"You should be lovers, and that's a fact."

Jano bit her lip. "But nothing could keep us together."

"You could steal time," Alana pointed out. "Just for one day."

"We could be heroes," Jano said pensively, "Forever and ever…"

"That's the spirit."

"Satine would not want you to be miserable, Christian."

"Well Satine would also not want to be dead," Christian said bitterly.

"She would want you to love again."

"I would wish to love again, but I can't."

"Are you sure this isn't just a mental block?"

A single tear fell down Christian's flawless face. "I said I would love her until my dying day. Not until hers." And with that, he stood and left the room.

"Damnit," muttered Ray.

Jano wandered the streets finding her in a small pub. The strong drink is always far better than reality. She sat in a dark corner nursing a beer, trying to figure out all that she had heard.

_Heroes? What is this nonsense she is filling my head with? And lovers?_

_I am not a lover…I am a bassist. If I wanted love, I would have chosen guitar._

_Bet she is menstruating._

A cold breeze hit her neck as the door of the pub swung open.

Alana sat on the dusty bed.

_Well that didn't go as well as I had hoped._

She came back to the hall of the theatre to scold her band, only to find it in control of another. Only catching the back of the head, she assumed it to be the third tuba player, Marcus, the one with the nipple hickey fetish.

"Sit you ass down! This is my band!"

"Well excuse me, I never meant to intrude." Came the reply as the obviously-not-Marcus-completely-fuckable-dude whipped around.

Alana stopped dead in her tracks. "I'm sorry, I thought you were one of _them_," she gestured to the band.

He shook his head. "No, I was just helping, trying to see what they could do."

Alana shrugged. "They don't suck. I'm rather fond of them." She held out her hand. "I'm Alana."

He took it and kissed it softly. _Not what I was expecting, _Alana thought with a feeling of bliss. "I'm Ray," he said, "Christian's brother."

Alana smiled. "I don't mind you coming here…I guess you're just what I needed."

Ray looked at her quizzically.

"I need to talk to you in private," she said. "It's about Christian."

Ray nodded, and the two left the band to their own devices once more, to discuss Alana's sinister plot to heal the hearts of two who were in desperate need of it.

Christian staggered down the stairs. He had to make it to the bar – there was no dignity in passing out in the house. Besides, he was out of absinthe, how could he properly end his drinking experience?

He went to the Absinthe Bar, and plopped himself down on a barstool. He didn't look around, just at the bartender. "You again?" a should-be-familiar-if-I-wasn't-trashed face said.

"Yeah, the usual," he slurred.

"You're here too?" another familiar voice asked.

Christian turned his head. "Oh Jano, hi." He turned back to take his drink. "You not feeling well either?"

"Actually I'm just avoiding Alana. I'm kind of pissed at her."

"Why?"

Her face was unreadable. "She cast me in Moulin Rouge."

"As who?"

Jano was silent a moment. "Satine."

Christian choked up a bit, but tried to hide it. "Who's playing me?"

The young girl looked away. "I don't know."

Drink in hand, Christian patted her on the back. "Feel sorry for the loser who ends up having to do it. I wrote the part to as be as horrible as possible, to feel as miserable as I…it'll be a terribly depressing role to play."

"Yeah…"

There was silence as the two downed their drinks, both lost in thoughts that could never be explained.

Drinking has a terrible way of opening ones mouth.

"Its hard to imagine Satine as a hardened junkie with a fetish for bass beats."

"Wasn't my idea, Alana is on a crusade."

"I would hate to see if her and my brother teamed up. He is the same way. Matter of fact, I used to be as well." Jano nodded, accidentally hitting her head on the table.

"Same here."

"What's your story?"

"I was born a man…"

"Really?"

"No, but it's a great excuse."

Ray followed the short haired, willful girl up the stairs of the elephant, now her base of operations. It was abandoned and a perfect place to arrange plans and other things.

They sat cross-legged in the floor of the old room, paper strewn about them writing down ideas, turning chapters into scenes, and arranging the proper music. Most of the conversation was about Jano and Christian. They weren't altogether certain whether it would work or just cause more heartache. They needed Zidler.

Finding him in Rosie's secrets, they explained their plot. Zidler's eyes twinkled.

"I wonder if they are still in the area….oh they must be. Only they can help."

"Who?" Both Ray and Alana asked. They were ignored.

"They could have moved on, I doubt it, besides they would make cheap actors…"

"WHO?"

"The bohemians! You loons!"

Toulouse stood at the door with a look of utmost confusion.

"Zidler? What do you want?"

"I'm going to need you and your group, and Audrey, if you can get her. She's got a mind for this sort of thing."

"What are we doing?"

"Mending the heart of one who is in desperate need of it."

Toulouse nodded. "Then it shall be done."

"So in the elephant, when Christian is wooing Satine, we're going to start out with 'Let My Love Open The Door,' go into 'I Would Do Anything For Love' and end with 'I Will Always Love You.'"

"'Anything for Love'? You're insane Alana. How much of it will go in it?"

"Oh, only a verse or so. Certainly not the whole eleven minutes."

Alana stood up. "Christian starts out, and he's singing -

"_Well people keep repeating_

_That you'll never fall in love _

_When everybody keeps retreating_

_And you can't seem to get enough_

_Let my love open the door_

_Let my love open the door _

_Let my love open the door_

To your heart" 

"And then," she said, "There's a horn break, and we go to – "

"But I'll never stop dreaming of you every night of my life 

_No way_

_I would do anything for love_

_Oh I would do anything for love_

_And I would do anything for love_

_But I won't do that."_

Ray nodded. "I get it. And then Satine and him both go into the chorus of 'I Will Always Love You.'"

"Exactly."

They were both beaming at each other with that weird aura in their eyes that the genius possess and the insane lament.

Or that only music geeks can get.

"And then the pig says…" Jano didn't get to finish because she passed out. Which didn't matter, because Christian had passed out minutes before and she was currently talking to a green fairy.

Toulouse and his band of bohemians were so excited to be working for their beliefs, that they helped in anyway possible, except for the narcoleptic one, he was busy passing out and regaining consciousness.

"Now is Christian aware that he is to play himself?" Audrey asked.

"He should, who else could pull off that singing voice?"

"Is he a eunuch?"

"I doubt it, from what I hear…" Zidler began.

I wonder if it runs in the family… Alana pondered. Quickly attempting to dismiss the thought only made her imagination grow and she completely fell out of the conversation.

"So what do you think?" Asked someone of her.

"Penis…" she said out loud, only to realize…

"Well, Alana, it does have merit, but I am not sure if they would stay sewed onto the skirts…" Zidler replied calmly.

She blushed deeply.

The band, without proper leadership, had resorted to caveman principles, setting poodles on fire and grunting into spit valves. The clarinet players were the first to stab another band member, using their reeds as arrowheads. Hopefully Ray and Alana would be back soon.

The first day of rehearsal for Jano was a sick sick sick one. Looking over the script; her hangover seemed to be getting worse and worse. She looked up at Alana from her position in the floor, standing was not in the cards for her that day.

"So let me get this straight," She began, her hands rubbing her face, "You want me to wear dainty lingerie and strut about and seduce people?" _Why didn't I listen to my mother and become a baker…_

"Not exactly, there is singing too…" Ray said encouragingly, the group surrounding Jano nodded along.

"And sex," reminded Audrey.

"I'm gonna die…" muttered Jano.

"Yea, you get to do that too." Alana grinned.

"Shut it." Jano moaned, falling back into a flat position on the floor. "You know, I am sure there are possibly hundreds of starving beautiful actresses out there that could play this part flawlessly…"

Zidler ran quietly down the halls after rehearsal, only to be nearly close lined by a particular bald bodyguard.

"Oh. Tittles, I did not see you there."

His name was really Warner..but Tittles we liked better.

"It's because we were hiding, you fat oaf," said the ever eerie Duke stepping out from some strategically placed shadows.

"Oh…hello Duke." Zidler began to ring his hands nervously.

"I see you are starting up your little theatre again."

"Um…yes, really just a small production about elves and witches…nothing big," he muttered. His eyes glued to the floor, mustache drooping slightly. The Duke laughed, similar to the sound of nails on a baby's face.

"Come Zidler, I have a proposition for your 'little play.'" Zidler looked as if he had shat his suspendered britches.

Ray, Alana, and the bohemians sat in the elephant, plotting minute details. "We must convince Christian to play himself," Toulouse was saying, "The question is, how will we do it?"

"We slightly deceive him," said Alana. "Tell him to read the part until we find a new actor, then…don't."

The others were quiet. "It's too simple," Audrey said. "It'll never work."

"Christian is counting on this play," said Ray. "He promised Satine that he would tell their story, and now this is his chance. He will play the part until we find someone new."

"And maybe the part will grow on him," said Alana thoughtfully, "Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place…"

"NO BURSTING INTO SONG!" Came a collective shout from the Bohemians and Ray.

"…right."

"I love narcoleptic bohemians," Jano was giggling in the theatre on their break. "Well not really, but it sounds so random…"

Christian was laughing. "You don't have to sell your body to the night…" he giggled some more. "Do you have an more absinthe?"

Jano handed him a glass. "You know we're turning into alcoholics, right?"

"Hey, you're free to leave me, just don't deceive me."

Jano smiled and fell back on the theatre floor. "Okay, as long as you know." She lifted her glass. "To the play!"

"To the play."

Later that evening at the end of rehearsal, which had merely been everyone making plans and trying to pry alcohol out of some hands. Jano was being slowly dragged into the dressings rooms; she could see steam escaping from the top of the door.

"Is this absolutely necessary?" She whined as Alana and Audrey pushed her into the room, and attempted to disrobe her.

"One, you need to sober up, two, you need to appear female in your costume." Alana grunted.

"Really, its for the best." Audrey said, "for the play's sake."

"And plus, you will smell and look loads better."

Ray, not so far away was attempting the same.

"Come now, a shave and a shower won't hurt you."

"Yes it will," grumbled a drunken Christian from the toilet, where he was vomiting.

"Perhaps even a brushing of your teeth." He smiled, helping his brother up. "And no more alcohol after this. We don't want to let Satine down."

Christian winced and nodded.

Leaving their counterparts to bathe, Ray and Alana met up at the base of operations.

"It will be a long process, but he shall be clean again."

"I wonder what it is with depressed people and there inability to be clean."

"Why is she depressed?"

"She was born a man."

"Really?"

"No, but it's a good excuse."

Ray knocked on Christian's door. "Are you decent?"

"As decent as a Bohemian can be," a muttered voice came from inside the door.

Ray walked in. "I have a favor to ask of you."

Christian plopped down on a chair. "Anything, brother of mine. Just don't make me bathe again. That was the filthiest bath I've ever cleaned in."

"It's Zidler's."

"Must be all the makeup, then."

"We can't afford to waste anymore time," Ray began. "Jano can't practice Satine's part without a Christian."

"Get a Jew, then."

"Very funny. Could you read the part until we find an actor?"

Christian was silent. "I don't know if I can."

"Just for awhile," Ray assured him. "Can you try?"

"…I suppose."

"Good. Thanks," he said, getting up to leave.

After he left, Christian sighed. Here he went again. He was plunging headfirst in exactly what he wanted to stay away from, yet he could not help it. "I don't need to relive this," he muttered.

Trying to avoid thinking about it, he lay down and fell into a restless sleep.

Alana banged loudly on the door of the dressing room.

"Stop your damn knocking, Alana!" was the reply.

"Can I come in?"

"Not until you tell me where you have put my clothes."

" I laid you out some right over there."

"That's a dress!"

"Good job, I see you are somewhat sober now."

"Shut up and get me some pants."

"No." Jano could understand she was not to argue.

Cursing and muttering to herself, she fell asleep wrapped in a most uncomfortable dress.

They were rehearsing the 'Elephant Love Medley" scene the next day. Alana and Ray were not ones to dally around with the not-as-fun scenes. They wanted to get the idea into Christian and Jano's heads as soon as possible.

"He's got large talent!" Toulouse shrieked.

"Not yet!" Ray said. "That line doesn't come until after Jano rips off Christian's clothes."

"WHAT?!?" Jano and Christian screamed in unison.

"I know I didn't write that into the play," Christian protested.

"I did," said Toulouse, "I was there, remember?"

"You just wanted to see my penis again."

"…so?"

"I AM NOT RIPPING HIS CLOTHES OFF!" Jano shouted.

She was mainly ignored. The main argument was between Toulouse and Christian.

"Why are you editing it?"

"Because you didn't tell the whole story! I was there!"

"Just keep it in there," Alana said, "Every story needs a good nude scene."

There was silence for a moment, before the arguing resumed again. In the end though, the quest for nudity won out and the protests of Christian and Jano were silenced.

"I'm terribly sorry about this, you know."

"It's not your fault."

"This is going to be awkward."

"I know."

They rehearsed all day, and by the end of it, it seemed Jano and Christian were almost enjoying themselves. 'Almost' meaning they weren't screaming every time Ray and Alana wrote another make out scene.

Not that Ray and Alana would've listened to them anyway.

"Did you two really make out so often?" Jano asked after the rehearsal.

"I suppose so. Not nearly enough though." He sighed wistfully.

"How did you get any talking in edgewise?"

"After sex we usually spoke."

"That may be more than I needed to know."

"Why? Are you afraid of the word 'sex'?"

"…yes."

Ray and Alana had a joyous dinner over the great first day of rehearsal.

"Lets hope every rehearsal will be like this one."

"The more nudity the better."

"That's my brother you are talking about." Ray grinned at her. She smiled back, pausing a bit.

"Well…he's a hottie, you gotta give him that."

"WE CAME FROM THE SAME WOMB!"

Alana giggled. "Well, they say incest is best…"

"You are disgusting."

"You know how hot that would be?"

"…you sick bastard."

"That would be 'bitch,' let us not forget I am female."

"How could I?" Ray said, almost too fast, and then noticing his mistake, lowered his head sheepishly. Alana merely grinned and went back to eating her dinner.

Christian lay in bed, his thoughts betraying him. "Satine…" he whispered. "I'm sorry…" He felt almost guilty for not thinking of her today, as his thoughts were occupied with the play. It was a little funny, how the play was about them and yet he avoided thoughts of her the entire day. Jano had a funny way of doing that, out of nowhere breaking out with witty comments and making him laugh as he hadn't in ages.

"I'm betraying you…" he barely breathed the words into his pillow. How could this happen…

"I hope you don't mind," he said to no one. "That I put down in words how wonderful life is…"

Not able to finish it, he buried his face into his pillow once more.

Without the thought of knocking on the door, Jano rushed into the elephant, and then quickly rushed out. Then once more rushed in. Then thought about leaving again.

Dinner askew as well as a number of garments, and in the middle of the mess was Alana and Ray. Both with the deer in the headlights look on their face as Jano played with the door. She stood before them looking ruffled and as if she had previously been crying. Most likely still would be, if not for the shock.

"Um…hey…" Jano said nervously. Ray ducked under the blankets as Alana calmly regarded Jano.

"You have been listening to the Eagles again, haven't you?"

"No…" Jano sniffled. "Yes…"

"Well, go and lie down and I will be with you in…" She ducked quickly under the covers and reemerged. "15 minutes."

"Duke…" Harold Zidler almost begging the mousy man before him.

"I don't want to hear it, Zidler. I have wasted a lot of money on you and require reimbursement. Mmm."

"This isn't money we are talking about! This is murder!" Tittles grinned in the background.

After he was thrown from the room by Tittles, herushed to a small dark room in the lower levels of the Moulin Rouge. There was the once protector of Satine, the large black man in sparkle vests, we have all come to know and love. The man known as Chocolate...we think.

"I need a favor." Zidler asked in hushed tone. The man nodded.

"Watch over Christian." He added an afterthought. "And Jano too…"

The man nodded again.

"Perhaps Ray and Alana as well."

Again he nodded.

"And maybe that third Tuba player…"

"You'll come tomorrow?" he asked, lipstick smeared on his face.

"Yes, of course!" Alana said, giggling. "8 o' clock. After rehearsal."

Ray grinned and ran off. Alana herself headed for the lower levels of the Moulin Rouge, where she knew Jano was staying. It took very little time to find her, as the sobs were generally a good clue.

"I'm going to say either _Take it to the Limit _or _Heart of the Matter, _from the nature of those cries."

Jano sniffed. "Take it to the Limit."

"Ah." Alana sat down beside her. "You love him."

Jano looked away. "Do not."

Alana scoffed. "Please. Do not take me for a fool."

"Not that it'd ever happen anyway. His heart lies buried with Satine."

"He will move on you know."

Jano laughed nervously. "Yeah right. Don't get my hopes up."

Alana shrugged. "Believe me or don't, it matters little. Destiny will prevail in the end."

"Have you been reading David Eddings again?"

A sheepish grin came to Alana's face. "I see my work here is done. If you don't mind, I'm off the check on the Bohemians."

"Oh, is that what they call it these days?"

Alana's grin grew wider. "There are things that need to be done." And then she left.

The Duke and Tittles sat in their station of operations, a shanty not far from the infamous nightclub/theatre. "Can you do it? You failed me last time."

"Don't worry," said Tittles, stroking a _gun _at his hip. "It will be done."

"It had better. The thought of him alive is more than I can bear."

"Ray and I have decide for a new piece of music to be incorporated into the play…" Alana said, calling attention to the theatre the next morning.

"Has anyone heard of _Take it to the limit_?" Jano on the other side of her began choking on her drink, Toulouse, who played the Duke that morning rushed to her aid, whacking her on her back, creating a run on sentence that no one else can compare with.

"Thanks," she mumbled wiping the drink off her neck and face. Alana turned to the group of actors.

"I want you practice the 'I don't like this ending' scene, while we work on the music." Positions were taken, and lines read. This didn't take very long because Jano felt the need to speak lines as if she was a small green man who spoke backwards. It was one of those 'you had to be there' sort of things. She had the sudden inspiration to create a sword fight between the lovers.

"It could work" Jano said. The infamous Nini strutted up to the laughing two.

"So, Jano dear…" Nini smirked. " Is he really as large as Satine used to say?"

Before Christian had a time to react, the fist of a very angry woman collided solidly with Nini's nose, followed by explicatives and several others including a midget, narcoleptic, writer, and transsexual. Alana paused to see what the fuss was about; glancing at the destruction not too far away she made a decision.

"Break!"

Nini was most likely the happiest to hear this, since a few feet away a double bassist with the urge to kill was struggling behind many restraints. Nini fled.

The door she exited was the one Harry Zidler strode in from. Looking paler than usual, his mind was soon erased by Jano. _That's some presence she has…_ he commented idly on it.

"I don't recall boxing, when I read the script." His attempt to make a joke only made him feel sicker.

Panting with rage, Jano sat in a chair off the left wing of the stage, her fellow actors around her. She quickly took the ice Alana had brought as she entered for her hand, and the drink Toulouse had in his pocket.

"You should have let me kill her," she muttered.

"Now that wouldn't have been very nice," Christian said, taking a wet rag that someone had produced and running it across her hand. "How could you be our Satine if you were in jail for murder?"

"You wouldn't have to turn me in," Jano said sullenly. "Why aren't you upset?"

Christian shrugged. "Well, if it's about how big I am, then by all means, let the world know," he said with a slight smile. "I don't care what people say about me, Satine, and you shouldn't either."

Jano stopped. "My name is Jano, Christian." And with that, she fled.

"I cannot believe I just did that," Christian moaned, holding his head in his hands. "The one person worth spending any time with, and I mess it up." He looked to the rest of them. "No offense, but Ray, I want to make love to you about as much as I would a porcupine."

Zidler nodded in understanding. "He's got a point." He looked to Christian. "Go to her. See what you can do to salvage the situation."

Christian nodded, and ran off in the direction of Jano's escape.

The halls were empty, and he heard no noises hinting to her location. Sighing in exasperation, he headed for the lower levels.

Noises could be heard down here, but Christian couldn't tell if it was Jano, rats, or something fouler. Slightly on his guard now, he continued his search.

Before he knew it, he was pummeled to the ground by something large and dark. Once he regained his composure, he looked and saw it to be none other than Satine's old bodyguard. "Do you know what you're doing?" he whispered. "The Duke is trying to have you killed, and you wander the halls alone!"

Christian was taken aback. "That means Jano isn't safe either…have you seen her?"

Chocolate was about to answer, but they were interrupted by Tittles at the end of the hallway, his arm around Jano with a gun to her head. She appeared to be biting him furiously on the arm.

"I'm taking her to our office," he said. "If you want to see her again – alive – come tomorrow at midnight. Alone."

And as quickly as he came, he was gone.

Christian was back upstairs in a second, explaining the situation to the others. Alana broke down in tears, and Christian knew he himself was not far from the same.

"I will go to her tomorrow," he said emotionlessly. "And I will save her, if it means giving my own life in exchange."

"No Christian, enough blood has been spilled on Moulin Rouge business," Zidler said. "You will retrieve her, and you will get out of it alive, at all costs."

"What do you care?" Christian spat. "Only for your precious production! Jano means nothing to you, you could replace her with any actress!" He was almost in tears, and then calmed himself down. "I have loved once, and lost. I could not bear to repeat the experience. I would rather be dead than lose her."

"I swear if these hands weren't bound by this large man slave here, I would rip off your manhood and eat it for breakfast."

"Mmm…well at least Satine was polite," grinned the greasy, mousy all-around asshole Duke. Jano struggled harder only creating a more crushing tightness around her windpipe.

"Tie me to a chair or something, Conan the barbarian is about to kill me over here." She muttered, giving in. Maybe she could figure out what was going on, and perhaps what to do about it.

Sitting across from his tied captor, the Duke began to singly softly in a most unpleasant eerie voice.

"Like a virgin…" He laughed, "As if anyone around here is." He cocked his head towards Jano. "I wonder, are you nearly as much of a whore as the woman you portray?" His manservant/bitch laughed. 

"No." she spat at him. "Surprisingly, I am a virgin." He wiped the loogie that landed on his pant leg and smiled.

"I can't imagine why…" She was certainly not in the mood for this.

"Why am I here?"

"You are bait, and bait is usually silent." He hummed the next few bars, _"all shiny and new." _An even better plan than before was storming in his wee little brain.

"Where is their office?" Ray wondered out loud. Everyone was gathered in the entrance trying to come up with a plan. Christian wouldn't allow them to help, but they wouldn't allow Christian to do anything alone. They were a bit stuck.

"Where else?" sighed Zidler absorbing himself in drink. "The Gothic Tower." The large black man patted him slightly, feeling himself horrible for letting this happen.

Christian had been on the verge of tears for a good few hours, being a good emo boy and all, but had managed to resist. But now, being absolutely baffled and confused to the point of tears, he was considering giving in.

Everyone was arguing…screaming…the room was spinning…

"STOP!" He shouted. "Look…I will go to her tomorrow, and I will save her. The rest of you…can shove it." He retreated and left for his bedroom.

The rest were left in silence. "Well, he does love her," Zidler said. "That much is obvious."

"Hopefully he won't do anything stupid because of it," Alana said with a little sigh.

How they had forced her into the black corset she was wearing for the Poetry Reading scene, Jano could never figure out. But she did know she ended up wearing it, chained to the bedpost of a Vibromatic Heart Bed.

"I will enjoy making you submit," the Duke said, absently staring at a painting on his wall.

"You better be talking to that painting." He ignored her.

"In front of your lover as well."

"Get it through your thick skull! HE IS NOT MY LOVER! I AM NOT A LOVER! I AM A MUSICIAN!"

The Duke turned to her. "But you wish it so."

"That's none of your business."

The Duke let a little laugh escape his chapped lips. "You are the closest thing he has to his precious Satine, therefore, you are precious to him. Watching you with me will be the last straw."

"He will rescue me!" Jano half-shouted. "It's not like he's just going to watch!"

"You don't know the conditions, my sweet," the Duke smiled a sickly smile. "He will, or you both will die." He paused. "Well, he'll die anyway. His actions only determine whether I keep you or kill you."

Jano wanted to scream at him, but knew it to be pointless. With a look that could kill, she stared at the Duke and waited for Christian to rescue her; but after a few hours of the Dukes sick obsession with Madonna songs, screaming felt like a good option.

_At least it made the duke leave the room. Now for that damn bodyguard._

"Hey Chewbacca!" She called to him. "What will it take for you to let me go?"

"Nothing." He quivered with delight, "I obey only my duke."

Well, that's just wrong… 

"Come on, there has to be something."

Not a person slept that night, well, none of the important ones. Christian was locked in his room, but anyone with common sense was aware that he was awake.

They sat around, passing a bottle and swapping ideas.

"We could smoke them out, set the place on fire, then as they run out… shoot everyone but Jano."

"Or not."

"Why is this so hard? We out number the Duke pretty well."

"True, but it won't matter if there is a gun to one of our heads. We have to listen to his orders or outsmart him."

"Which I can't understand why it is so hard."

"We would need a diversion…other than Christian as a self-sacrifice."

"Mother fuck."

They all agreed solemnly.

_I wonder what she is doing._

Is he having his way with her right now? 

_His eyes, upon your face_

_His hand, on your hand_

_His lips caress your skin_

_It's more than I can stand._

"Mother fuck," he barely breathed, but then again, those words made him think of her too.

"I'm coming," he whispered. "Hold out a little longer."

The next day there was no rehearsal, for the obvious reasons. Christian stayed in his room until eleven p.m., when Ray came for a visit. Christian had just gotten dressed, and looked as if he was preparing to leave.

Ray patted him gruffly on the shoulder. "Promise you won't do anything stupid?"

"I won't."

"…that's stupid by my definition, not yours, just so you know."

Christian tried to smile, but it came off as more of a grimace. He headed for the Gothic Tower.

It would not take him an hour to get there, but he did not want to be late. Christian entered it to find Jano alone, chained to the bed. He ran up to her and began kissing her madly. "Oh, I was so worried…"

"Excuse me, but I believe you aren't in love with me," Jano said, trying to tear herself away.

"Are you going to argue with your rescuer?" he said, flashing those beautiful teeth. Jano smiled.

"Ah, who could resist?" she said, kissing him back.

"I see you've found our little lair," said the Duke, entering the room. "You're early."

"I don't make it a habit to be late," Christian said. He walked up closer to the Spawn of Satan. "What do I have to do to get my Jano back?"

_That's too cute. _Jano thought.

The Duke smiled, a horrible sight for all who have seen it. "Die."

"Funny, I was trying to avoid that option," Christian said. He then pulled a surprise-Aragorn-type moment where he punched the Duke in the face and then quickly looked around to see if he could spot Tittles, for he was the dangerous one.

Tittles came running in from another doorway, gun in hand. He started to head for Jano, but Christian beat him to her. With a swift kick to the groin, he dropped his gun. Christian scrambled to pick it up.

"Oh please," said the Duke. "Do not think me so naïve." He pulled a gun from his pants.

"So we're even," Christian said, eyeing him nervously, as well as his pants.

"I think not," said the Duke, "Considering you have no bullets."

Christian checked, and sure enough, the Duke was right. Forming a plan slowly in his mind, he looked at Jano with a look he hoped she could decipher, and then dropped the gun. Holding up his hands, he smiled. "You got me."

The Duke walked over to Jano. "A beautiful creature, is she not? _Almost _as beautiful as Satine…but you can't have everything I suppose." He leaned in to kiss her neck.

This was all the sign Jano needed. The Duke got a swift kick to the groin as well, a well deserved one. "And that was for singing Madonna," she said, scowling.

Before she started speaking, Christian had already began running for the gun. With his quick fingers, he was able to get it, and turn it upon the two evil villains. "Let her go," he said in a deathly quiet voice.

The Duke looked nervous now, and gestured to Tittles. The bodyguard unlocked Jano and pushed her forward towards Christian.

"You will not bother us again," Christian said, "And if you do, you're dead."

To make his point clear, he shot the Duke's foot, and Tittles' as well. The Duke shrieked in pain, whilst Tittles only grunted. Christian took Jano in his arms and left.

"I'm perfectly capable of walking."

"No you're not, you're traumatized."

"Am not."

"Don't care." He flashed his gorgeous smile, and Jano could not help but not care either. Once outside though, she forced her way down and proceeded to vomit on the side of the building.

"I thought you said you weren't traumatized or anything?" He chided gently, holding her hair.

"I'm a terrific liar."

They entered the Moulin Rouge and were greeted by many pale sweaty, mostly drunk people.

"Why aren't you people rehearsing?" Jano asked, taking the first seat she could. They chose not to answer. Alana jumped her like a rowdy piglet. She had previously clinging to Ray as if for dear life. After what seemed like hours of retelling what happened, Jano wearily began walking towards the door. Christian was right behind her.

"I'm just going to the bathroom."

"No need to take chances…"

"I am just going to wash up and change…nothing dangerous." Jano paused, "Well, unless I see Nini on the way there…"

"No matter." Christian said stubbornly, "You couldn't get out of a corset on your own anyway." He followed her out, his hand firmly in hers.

"Who wants to bet on how long they will be gone?" Ray asked smiling. Alana was taken back.

"That's horrible!" pause, "I'll put 20 francs on at least 3 days."

Alana walked into her room very slowly, spending the day worrying is bound to take the energy out of anyone. She pulled back the covers to lie down, as she did so, a knock came to the door.

"Yes?"

No answer. She opened the door. Ray rushed in without a word, enclosing Alana in his arms and practically smothering her with love like gravy on a big hot biscuit.

Indeed a good ending. This is France after all.


End file.
